Saturday, December 11, 2010

Remembering

This is not "supposed" to be what I was doing right now. I wasn't "supposed" to eat turkey with my American "family" here or put up our Christmas tree or sing Christmas carols with our local friends. No, instead I was "supposed" to leave for Thailand in the middle of November in order to give birth there. Today was "supposed" to my due date, the day Kevin & I welcomed this sweet little one into our lives.

But I'm not in Thailand. I ate turkey on Thanksgiving, strung lights through our pathetic little Christmas tree, and sung Ping An Ye (Silent Night) with dear friends on Tuesday. Because our baby died last summer, there is no due date today.

But even though there is no baby in my arms, there is still hope. Even though I'm not doing what I thought I was "supposed" to be doing at this time, God's good plan for our life hasn't changed. Even though the emotions are still strong, even after all this time, and this little one is no more than a thought away, my God's keeping power over my life is stronger and, though I've struggled, I haven't fallen.

During one of my sleepless nights last June after our second miscarriage was confirmed, I wrote this little poem. I wanted to share it to memorialize this little life that never got to join us and to rejoice in the fact that God's kindness and love, though somewhat veiled for a season, is always there for those who cling to Jesus.

I prayed a prayer for you, baby
that the Gracious Giver above
would grant our pleas for a little one,
a manifestation of His love.

I shed a tear for you, baby
when I learned it was finally true.
My longing womb, vacant no more
A special home just for you.

I dreamed a dream of you, baby
The life that we would share.
The stories we'd read, the memories we'd make
You & mama--the happy pair.

I prayed a prayer for you, baby
that God would preserve your life.
Though the doctors said you were just too small,
that something wasn't right.

I shed a tear for you, baby
when your life ended in haste.
Even before it truly began
Was it just a waste?

A waste of love, of hope, of joy
To end like this?
A mother empty, a father grieving
Could this be God's gift?

It is.

God dreams a dream for us, baby
Only His dreams never fail
That the suffering of life, the heartache, the pain
would forge a steadfast trail.

A trail that leads to His throne of grace,
my hope and my peace still.
He welcomes me with compassion true
and comforts me in His will.

A trail that recounts His own suffering
Evidenced by scarred feet and hands.
Now suffering I bear, though through sadness and strain,
so that in His likeness I may stand.

You were a gift from above, baby
in life and in death.
He gives & He takes from His beloved
From our lips, may His name be blessed.

10 comments:

Angela said...

I love you Beck. Praying for your heart today. Thanks for sharing.May He be sufficient for all your needs.

Rachel said...

Becky,
This is beautifully bittersweet. Your poem is wonderfully well-written and expresses so much, you way undersold it to me! So thankful how the Lord is sustaining you, keep clinging to Him.
Love you,
Rachel

The Foster Family said...

Oh Becky,

My heart just breaks for you guys. Thanks for sharing your heart. That is a very powerful and well written poem. It was a blessing to me.

Kristie said...

Thank you so much for sharing these words! Praying for your heart, sweet friend!

Whitney said...

This leaves me in tears, yet with hope. My heart goes out to you. {{HUG}} May the Lord surprise you by how He creatively provide all that you need and more, today and always.

Peter and Leslie said...

Becky,
This is a breathtaking poem. Thank you for sharing it. Praying for you.

AuntieB said...

My Darling Niece, now I know the reason I was drawn to your site this morning. Your soul, your heart, your guides are reaching out to those who love you. You are surrounded by love. It is my belief that the babies who didn't make it to this physical world is up above watching, waiting.

I love you Becky. I emphathize; and know that this experience is part of God's plan. You are learning lessons as a result of the pain...you know that.

Remember this...you are loved. Remember this...good things await.

Jamie Butts said...

"He comforts us in His will."
Beck - that was the most beautiful poem I have ever read. I love you both so much. I am praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Becky,
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you and it is so neat to see this post and the newer one with pictures of the two precious babies next to each other. Praying for your journey while you are waiting for them to be in your arms.
Love,
Ashley Claunch

Jodi said...

Becky, what a beautiful tribute to your baby, and to your great God. May He continue to refine you (and all of us!) to treasure Him more than all He gives, and all He withholds.

Love and miss you!


Jodi W.